I Sometimes I Say Horrible Things

A friend of mine recently brought back some gifts for Kayan from Mexico. After presenting them he went on to say i should be cautious and use my judgement because he had bought them in Mexican markets and it was not as though the government of Canada had tested them for safety. To which i replied “well what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” I admit that i have a problem with saying horrible things but this is quite possibly the most horrible thing i have said in recent memory. Fortunately there was apparently no one from Children and Family services and my friend has a high tolerance for horrible things.

The thing is that may well have been my life outlook in regard to my own self  but really doesn’t reflect how i think about my sons well being. My response was i guess just sort of a reflex after years and years of having the motto of interesting things first and safety last life.  I am not an adrenaline junkie or anything it just sincerely never occurred to me to be scared or concern. It is probably because of this i am now having a hard time discerning just what i should care and not care about. Where exactly does danger lie?  Just a short time ago i was riding on the roof of old trucks down Haitian highways  still split apart from the earth quake and now i refuse to carry my son while wearing high heeled shoes in case i trip.  Following this logic i apparently believe that it is far more likely that something serious happen from tripping than from flying off the roof of truck on the highway.

We are going to India in May and i am obsessed with countless things about the trip. The car seat, the weather, the water, the cleanliness or lack and that everyone that touch him first submit to a full body scan to detect any diseases. Mehernosh is at a loss because this is not my first trip there and on the first three i never had a worry. I rode on motorcycles, took the public train days after bombings, regularly gave my hand to street people (i have no idea how i don’t have leprosy) and took great pleasure in seeing the real Bombay by eating at some of the most “rustic” restaurants. Now I want to bring our own bottle water because i don’t trust the ones processed in India.

Of course the greatest irony is that I do hope that Kayan grows up to be unafraid. I hope he gets to experience even more than I have and that he lets his intuition guide him. Some of my best memories are of walking through the Favelas in Rio or getting lost in a less than desirable town on the Caribbean side of Nicaragua. I hope Kayan has great adventures but he better not tell me about them.